It is classic among practitioners of abuse. Verbally they can be unbelievably cruel to you; publicly humiliating you without a second thought. When they get you home, they really let you have it; cranking it up a notch until you are reduced to tears. Seeing you like that gives them an energy boost. They understand completely the power they have over you and now it’s time to assert that power to its fullest extent.
For the ones who practice the physical it’s just slightly different. They may or may not hit you in public but when they get you home, watch out. And just like the verbal, seeing you hurt physically and emotionally gives them an added sense of power. There’s no doubt in their minds about who runs the show.
Now here comes the trick. They may come back to you and apologize (somewhat) or berate you even more. But the end game is the same. They would not have done what they did if you had not made them. The abuser does wrong and expertly lays one hundred percent of the blame and responsibility for their actions on your shoulders.
Unfortunately many victims fall for it. They start believing that it had to be something that they said or did which caused this abuse. They know the other person loves them. Why? Because they said so. Even in the midst of the abuse they stated their love. So it must be something you are doing.
Maybe some outside influences also got into the act. Family and friends offered up their opinions. Lo and behold wouldn’t you know it? It all points back to you. Some said so directly. Others stated it in a roundabout way but you caught their meaning.
Mix that in with some self doubt and next thing you know you are stuck with a question that never goes away: What am I doing wrong?
The answer is nothing. The wrong is being done by the abuser. They have no right to assault you verbally or physically because things are not going exactly as they would like or they have issues inside of them that they have never resolved and refuse to deal with.
Life is not always a bed of roses but you have made the conscious effort to take it as it comes without lashing out at someone who is supposed to be your partner.
If you are being physically assaulted call the police, get out of the relationship and seek safe haven. That last one is key. The news is filled with stories of abusers who refused to give up their ex. Drunk with power they think it is their right to reclaim what belongs to them (Yes I said what not who) and in many tragic instances they stop at nothing.
With the verbal abuser, if trying to get them to see the error of their ways does not work then move on and do not wait too long.
The point is that not only are they wrong in how they treat you but more importantly that you are a person with value, dignity and unique gifts that only you possess. No one has the right to make you feel any less than that.